


What Happened To Us

by potatochip0525



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, My First AO3 Post
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:02:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28693656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potatochip0525/pseuds/potatochip0525
Summary: Keeping a relationship for many years isn’t supposed to be hard already. But you got used to a lot of things between you and your partner and you suddenly forgot how to handle it properly.Minho and Jinki's relationship isn’t perfect. They just thought it was. They fight, they make up, they break up. They even had other relationships while they took a break. It’s not an ideal relationship. But everybody thought it was.It all ends tonight. After this, Jinki will go back to his reality: to his family.And Minho will go back to his reality, where there is no more Jinki.
Relationships: Choi Minho/Lee Jinki | Onew
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Keeping Love Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _More of you_  
>  _Until I can’t pull myself back later_  
>  _More, until I’ve given up_  
>  _There’s no meaning to it_  
>  _Just like living itself_  
>  _I’ll just continue loving you_   
> _Even if I ask, I can’t hear it_  
>  _As people walk by, I’m drenched by the rain_  
>  _Even if it seems to be reaching, it doesn’t_  
>  _Time is in reverse, oh_

It was a weekday. On a normal day, I would be working in an office with a job I never really liked. Trying to get along with people twice my age. _On a normal day._ But today isn’t normal. I told my boss I’m having an emergency with my mom and I can’t come to work. Which is a lie, obviously. I’m sure no one at work would buy that excuse, but I don’t really care. My contract is ending in less than a month anyway.

I was waiting at the road in one of the busiest streets in the metro with a backpack. This was usually the place where Jinki picks me up after work.

A few minutes later, a car stopped in front. "Minho!"

Jinki rolled down his window to gesture for me to hop in. As soon as I was seated, I said hi. Jinki was wearing a black shirt and a casual jeans while I’m wearing white shirt and a black skinny jeans. Not that the outfits are important but it was just too funny because I’m also wearing a round specs eyeglasses in hopes that no one would find out we’re meeting today. I guess he finds it funny too cause he laughed a little when he noticed the glasses.

The drive was silent, awkward air filling up the space in the car. We haven’t seen each other for two months. We haven’t been in contact as well. The only time he tried to contact me was a few days ago when he asked me to go on trip with him. He didn’t tell me where we’re going though. But I have my intuition that this is somewhere far, far from all of the people.

After two and a half hour drive ( _of no talking._ I was so close to sleeping but I tried not to in consideration to Jinki, the driver), we arrived in a townhouse somewhere in a country area. I don’t really have any idea where we are. It’s just simply a townhouse, surrounded by some big trees with some mysterious atmosphere. 

We got out of the car and were immediately welcomed by the refreshing air. “Jonghyun let us borrow this one. He said there will be a caretaker.” Jinki finally said. 

_I guess I can hold him. I don’t think anyone can stop me this time._

I know it will be awkward but I still did ─ I held his hand warmly and smiled at him. It’s enough that the ride all the way here has been awkward. We’re going to spend a couple of days here alone and it will be totally weird with this kind of atmosphere.

_I guess I can hold him. I don’t think anyone can stop me this time._

He flashed his big smile that makes his eyes form crescents. _Oh, god. I missed that smile so much._ His smile is so contagious that I smiled as well and held his hand tighter and pulled him inside the townhouse to tour around.

  
  


Saying the townhouse is beautiful is an understatement. Never would I imagine that Jjong would have enough money to own this kind of house (to be honest, I was never the kind to ask my friends how much money they make so it comes as a surprise if they suddenly flex their riches).

It is a big house with a pool. An overlooking balcony where you can see the lake nearby. A spacious garden that would be perfect for a picnic, surrounded by lights that would probably look good during the night.

We went to where our room is supposed to be. It looks like Jinki only planned to have a single room with only one bed for the two of us.

“Do you mind sharing the room with me? If you’re uncomfortable then I’ll go to the next room.” He asked.

I just smiled at him, “I’ll tell you when I’m uncomfortable. But right now, no, I don’t mind.” And he smiled back.

  
  
  
  


Just as we began unpacking our stuff, there’s a sudden knock on the door. 

“Yes? Please come in.” Jinki said from the other side of the room, near the bathroom he seemed to be checking.

An old woman opened the door and smiled at me when she saw me and Jinki. “Hello, Mr. Choi. Hello, Mr. Lee.” She greeted us and bowed. “I am Mrs. Han and I am the caretaker. Mr. Kim already told me about you.” She said, giving us a warm smile.

Jinki walked and stood closely beside me and asked Mrs. Han to come inside as she was just standing in the doorway, afraid that she might disturb something important. 

“Hello Mrs. Han. My name is Minho.” I offered to shake hands and gave a polite bow to her which she accepted. “This is Jinki, by the way,” turning to Jinki.

“I just came here to make sure you have everything you need.” Mrs. Han said.

“I guess we’re fine by now, Ma’am. Thank you very much.” Jinki assures her with a smile.

“I’ll be in the caretaker’s house then, unless you need me. Please don’t hesitate to call. I left my number beside the phone.” Mrs. Han said then left and closed the door, leaving me and Jinki in another moment of awkward silence.

  
  


Jinki and I were not used to this kind of atmosphere. We used to joke around, talk about random stuff, Jinki usually tells dad jokes and I just laugh at how corny they are. We were never in an awkward situation. Silence was always comfortable, but not like this. He can hardly even look at me.

It’s suffocating. And I just can’t take it anymore.

I stood in front of Jinki and placed both of his hands in mine. “Jinki. Look. I know it’s awkward, but we need to do this. And you know why.”

He looked suddenly taken aback by my sudden movement. “I know.”

I rubbed his hands with my thumbs, trying to ease his nerves.

“Uhm, I want to ask you a favor.” He said while looking at our hands. He seemed embarrassed of something.

“Sure.” I hold his hands tighter trying to assure him that everything’s alright.

“Can we act like we’re couple while we’re here? Pretend like we don’t have any problems, leave everything from the city, forget what happened for the last couple of months?” Jinki asked while staring right into my eyes.

Now it’s my turn to be surprised.

Then I remember: How easy it is to be in love with him. 

“No problem.” I told him. And I intertwined our hands together and pulled him closer to give him a peck on the lips.

It’s so easy. To act like we’re in love, like he’s the most important person in the world, like we’re the only one that exists, like nothing happened, like I can already forgiven him.

Because part of me says, _this is all true_ . This is what I _want_ . This is where _I want to go back_ . To his side, to my _sanctuary_ , to _us_ . And this time may also be _the last time_.

  
  


**_MONTH OF JUNE - THREE YEARS AGO_ **

_“Where are you?”_

_“Sorry, I can’t go home tonight.”_

_“But where the hell are you?!”_

_“Something came up. I promise I’ll tell you everything when I come home.”_

_“Jinki, just fucking tell me where the hell are you!”_

_“I’m sorry. Please remember how much I love you.”_

_  
_ _“Lee Jinki, this isn’t funny anymore. TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO!!!”_

_“I love you so much, Minho. I’m really sorry.”_

_“Are you going to do something stupid?!”_

_“No, no, no. I won’t. Just -- I’m going to tell you everything once I’m home.”_


	2. Melody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Tonight_  
>  _Where are you and who do you think of?_  
>  _Under the starry night_  
>  _I think of you just as always_ _The melody that_  
>  _Came to mind when_  
>  _Words weren’t enough_  
>  _Singing it to myself_  
>  _Just like that day_  
>  _Even now_
> 
> We spent the rest of the day walking around the townhouse and swimming in the pool. Talking about the most random stuff.

By dinner time, we asked Mrs. Han to bring us something that she has and luckily, she cooked fried chicken, Jinki’s favorite, a couple other dishes and some rice because she said “you need to eat home-cooked food while you’re here.” And we’re very much grateful.

As we were lying in our bed on the first night, Jinki pulled the covers over us as we prepare to sleep, but not really. Jinki then lied down on my arms and automatically hugged me.

“I missed you.” He said for the first time that day.

I pulled him to my chest and kissed the top of his head. “I missed you too, so much.”

He buried his face in my chest as he sighed deeply. “Thank you for going with me.”

  
“Don’t think too much now. We’re here to relax.” I reminded him.

A month ago, if he ever asked me to go on a trip for three days, I would probably cursed him and asked him if he’s a shameless piece of a bastard. But he asked me a week ago when I was already calm. I wasn’t really planning to go but Kibum insisted to grab this chance, for this might be the last time we could do this. I contemplated it for a few days before actually agreeing. And fortunately, I did. _Because this will_ **_really_ ** _be the last time._

“Minho.” Jinki suddenly called.

“Hm?”

“Remember when I first saw you?” He asked.

“Yup. Why?”

  
“Nothing.”

  
“I looked like a deer.” I said, smiling at the memory of our first encounter.

“Yes. Your eyes are so big.” He said, laughing slightly.

“And you looked like a bunny.” I said teasingly.

“Yah!” he playfully punched me in the chest.

“A cute bunny!” I said as I hugged him tighter while laughing, pulling him closer to me.

Suddenly, I wanna asked him a question I never asked before. “ _Was it a love at first sight?”_

I pushed him back a little from my chest to look at his expression.

He thinks about it for a moment before he says, “yeah, I think so? When I first saw you, it’s not exactly your eyes I first noticed. It was your smile. You have a perfect teeth and full lips. It’s so perfect and I love it since then.”

“Really?” I grabbed his chin to make him look at me. All these information are new to me. “Lee Jinki, really? My smile?” I said, trying to tease him.

“Yeah. Have you seen your smile?” he said.

“Well, have you seen your smile?!” I asked back.

“Huh?”

“Lee Jinki, really. You’re unbelievable.” I said, laughing at his confused expression.

  
  


**_MONTH OF JULY - THREE YEARS AGO_ **

_“This is unbelievable.”_

_“Minho, I’m so sorry.”_

_“Sorry? How could you do this to me?”_

_“I don’t know. I didn’t know. I swear. It was beyond my control.”_

_“Beyond your control? Are you fucking kidding me, Jinki?!”_

_“Minho, I’m really sorry. I really am. I love you so much. Please, let’s talk about this first. Please.”_ _  
  
_

_“Bullshit! There’s nothing to talk about!”_

_“Please, Minho. Don’t leave me like this, don’t leave me because of this.”_   
  


_“Jinki, t-this is too much! I-I… I can’t do this. I don’t fucking deserve this!”_


	3. If You Love Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _If you love her_  
>  _If you want her_  
>  _More beautiful than flowers_  
>  _You have to love her more_  
>  _If you love her_  
>  _If you need her_  
>  _Tell her without holding back_

**_MONTH OF AUGUST - THREE YEARS AGO_ **

_“What happened?”_

_“Nothing.”_

_“What do you mean nothing! You’ve been gone for three days and now you’re saying ‘nothing happened’?!”_

_“Minho, I’m so sorry.”_

_“You keep on saying you’re sorry. I’ve been so considerate to the both of you but you keep on doing it and you didn’t even bother explaining anything! Jinki, I’m so tired of being out of the loop! Please, tell me something!”_

_“I’m so sorry, Minho. S-She… S-She needed me.”_

_“WHAT?!”_

_“M-Minho, sh-she needed me. I just can’t go knowing it might hurt her.”_

_“What the fuck are you saying?!”_

_“Minho, I’m so sorry.”_

_“She_ needed _you? Did you just say she_ needed _you? Did I hear you right? She_ needed _you?!”_

_“I’m really sorry. I don’t know what to do.”_

_“Damn it, Jinki.”_

_“...”_

_“What about me, Jinki? I_ **needed** _you.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“I fucking needed you! I was the one who was rushed to the hospital! I was so scared! I was waiting for you! But you never came, Jinki! YOU NEVER CAME!”_

_“I’m really sorry, Minho.”_

_“And here you are saying she needed you? Bullshit!”_

_“I’m sorry…”_

_“Get the fuck out of my sight please.”_

_“Nooooo. Minho, please!”_

_“Go! Get out! Get out of my life!”_

_“No please don’t do this.”_

_“Go back to your whore, you fucktard!”_

_“I’m so sorry, Minho. Let me fix this please. Let’s fix_ us _.”_

_“No, Jinki. We cannot fix this. Can’t you see? You’re going to hurt either one of us! And the fact that you can’t fucking leave her for me is enough to say who you fucking chose.”_

_“No. Minho. Listen. You know how much I love you. You’re the one I love. You’re the one I choose. Just give me time to fix this. I can’t do this without you.”_

_“Well, sorry, chief. I can’t do this with you anymore. We’re done.”_

  
  


**During the drive… A few hours ago…**

The drive was so awkward Like, **super** awkward. We talk, but the conversation seems to cut off as soon as one answered the other’s question. Let’s just say we tried.

We begin to talk about our work first, then about our friends, Kibum, Jonghyun and then it went to Taemin. When we ran out of topics to talk about, we laugh slightly feeling the awkward air going around his car.

“So how are you? Are you doing good?” he asked out of the blue.

“Yes, I am. Surprisingly. I can’t believe it, actually. I thought I was dead for good.” I laughed at my own joke, trying to light up the mood. But Jinki didn’t find it funny even a bit.

“Ya! That’s not funny.”

“Okay, I’m sorry.”

To be honest, I was not fine. I am everything but fine. My depression came back right after what happened. Although my mind was free from stress because Jinki was finally gone together with his stupid problems, my heart aches with all the betrayals.

I stopped listening to music which I really loved. Every songs just reminded me of him and it fucking hurts. I also lost a few pounds which alarmed most of my friends because they can actually see the lost in my cheeks. They knew it was too much.

But I’m not gonna tell Jinki anything about that. I don’t want anymore of his guilt eat him up. As much as I hate him for what happened, I’m not the kind to actually torture him when I know his weakness so well.

“So how about you?” I asked him a few minutes later.

“Well, I’m good too, thank you very much for asking.”

“I heard you moved now?”

“Y-yeah… It’s farther to my office than the previous one but can’t do anything about it. I need to, y’know.”

_Of course, I know. Taemin has me updated in everything you do, even though I never asked him to report to me_ . _He said you need to move because she told you so, she said that your house was too close to mine, too close to temptation._

“Yeah. So how about her? How is she?” I asked, trying not to sound bitter. And also just trying to have a conversation.

“Uhm… She’s good. She’s resting. She stopped working now to take more re---”

“Okay, I’m sorry.” I stopped him with a smile. “I’m not really interested.” 

“Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“No, it’s fine. I was just trying to make a conversation.”

The awkward air is back for a couple of minutes until we pull over in a rest stop.

“Minho, can you help me navigate? I really suck at this kind of stuff. My car’s GPS was broken.” Jinki asked and handed me his phone. The screen shows a map going somewhere farther south.

“Sure. Let me see.” I begin looking at the map. It was actually a screenshot. This old man might not know that a navigation app exists for people like him, doesn't he?

“I’m just going to a restroom for a few minutes. Anything you want? I could get some from the convenience store.

“Water would be good.” And Jinki hopped out of the car.

I tried to download an app for the navigation to make it more easier during the drive without asking Jinki if that would be okay. The download time is a little slow, maybe because we’re now out of the city.

That’s when I decided to stalk his phone. Just a few peeks won’t hurt, right?

I began looking at his photo gallery. He doesn’t usually take a picture of himself. But when I opened his gallery, it’s full of them, him and her. Lying on the bed. At the car. Eating. Walking. Everything they do. They look happy.

I can’t look at it anymore.

But then a message popped up from the notification which I ‘accidentally’ opened.

It’s a message from the girl. _His girl._

It’s says:

Hey, did you arrive safely? Have a nice trip. I miss you! Take care. I love you! ~

_Does she have any idea who is with Jinki right now? She wouldn’t be this sweet if she does._

I begun scrolling up their previous conversations. It’s full of their I love you’s and take care’s and I miss you’s. It makes me sick.

Jinki got back a few minutes later with a big bottle of water and by that time the download and installation is done. That is also the time I got out of his gallery and messages. I still find it funny how he made me hold his phone knowing their personal lives is here within this little metal that I could easily look at out of curiosity.

And it actually hurts, by the way.

“How is it? Are we lost now?” Jinki asked while handing me the bottled water and putting a plastic bag full of chips (I think?) at the backseat.

“No, Old Man. I installed a navigation map so we won’t be lost. Just put there where we’re going and it would guide you.” I handed him back the phone and he began ‘studying’ and typing on the app.

“Wow, this is awesome!” he exclaimed in amusement.

“Also, I think, you got a text? I think I opened it? But don’t worry. I didn’t read it.” I said smiling, hoping he wouldn’t see me lying. I drank on the bottled water while he checks the message. He exits immediately on the home screen and went back to the navigation app when he saw that it was her.

“So, who was it?” 

“Just… someone.” And he flashed a smile.

  
  


**_MONTH OF FEBRUARY - FOUR YEARS AGO_ **

_I remember it like it just happened yesterday._

I was sitting in our favorite restaurant when he came with a very serious and angry face and bored eyes, very unlike him. He sat in front of me even though I told him to sit beside me. I just wanted to hold him. The last few days had been so hard that I cannot function properly because of this break up. A part of me still thinks that it is just like one of those stupid fights and that we’ll be back again after some fixing.

But he was serious this time. He looked at me like I’m the most pitiful human being in existence, trying to get the man I used to have back. Well, true. I really am trying to get my man back. _This man back_. I’m so immature, I know. But I also knew I could be able to bring him back if we could just talk and I was glad he agreed on meeting up after begging him multiple times.

I smiled at him but he didn’t smiled back. I asked him what we should order but he said he’s full, so I settled with a coffee even though I don’t really like coffee.

I don’t know how to start a conversation with this kind of atmosphere. He’s so cold and I’m not used to this.

“Are we really breaking up now?” I asked him directly since I know he’s not going to be the first one to start talking.

“I only agreed on meeting up with you to make things clearer.” He said, not even a change in his expression.

I am so not used to this kind of Jinki. Jinki used to be so bubbly, so cheerful, he smiles like he could outshine the sun and his eyes forms into crescents, and that was my favorite smile. That was my favorite Jinki. Not this one in front of me. Not this Jinki.

This Jinki is like no other; expressionless, cold, eyes bored and at the same time, a bit stiff. He looks nothing like my favorite Jinki.

  
  


_A closure. He came here for the closure._

  
  


“So, are we really breaking up now?” I repeated the question, hoping this time he could give me an answer.

“Are you believing it _just now?_ ” he asked abruptly.

“But why?” I want to appear strong in front of him. I’ve been holding myself back both from tearing up and from trying to tear him apart. “Can’t you at least give me a reason?”

“You’re too controlling.” He said blankly.

This time, I was shocked. “Me? Controlling? What did I do or say that made you think that?” I feel offended. Never in our 7 years of relationship did I try to control him. I never asked him to do something I know he wouldn’t want to do or not best for him.

“Yes, you are. You’re trying to control me. You’re trying to make me someone I am not. You might not notice it, but I just find myself trying to please you, trying to reach your standard. And I’m so tired of it!”

“You’re lying, Jinki.” I said. I can see it. He’s lying. I know this man for all my life and I can tell he wants to hurt me with his lies. I just don’t know why.

“What?!” He said confused.

“I know you. You’re lying.” He just looks at me like he can’t believe what I’m saying and at the same time, he knows I caught his little lying ass.

“Don’t be too clingy! When you dated that guy from three years ago, you also asked me to let go of you and I let go willingly! But now, you can’t do the same for me?!”

“Is this about that? Jinki, don’t fucking fool me! That was five years ago and you know how much I regretted that! Don’t fucking turn this like it’s my fault! Like it’s always about _that!_ ”

“Because it is! Whenever I look at you, I always see… those things. Your mistakes, your affair. It’s suffocating me, Minho.” His words hurt me. It’s always about this. My mistakes from years ago. He will always make me blame myself.

But no. I’m not that stupid this time.

I closed my eyes, still trying to hold my anger. I sighed slowly. “Don’t fuck with me now, Jinki. Shut up. I know it’s about someone else.” I told him, calmer than I thought I could.

His eyes widened in shock and suddenly avoided my gaze. He can’t look at me now.

“I saw your conversations online. Your SNS is still open on my phone, you know? You’re just trying to get rid of me. Who is she? A co-worker?”

This time he looks straight in my eyes. I know that look. It’s like he’s trying to say how much he’s sorry. He might probably assumed I wouldn’t find out. Guilt is eating him up right now.

“Do you love her?” I asked him.

“Yes.” He said, straight right into my face, not even bothering to think for a second to answer.

_He came to hurt me._

“More than me?” I tried to reach for his hand that’s lying on the table in front of us.

_And he’s succeeding.._

Maybe if I hold him, he’ll miss me.

Maybe if I hold him, he’ll remember the feeling.

Maybe if I hold him, he’ll say no.

Maybe if I hold him, he’ll go back to me.

  
  


_But he pulled his hands away from mine._

  
  


“Y-yes. I love her more than you, Minho.”

  
  


Out of all the blame, out of all the things Jinki had said and done to get rid of me, _this_ is the most painful thing. And that is the most unforgettable thing Jinki has ever did to me.

And I won’t ever forget it. Never.


	4. In My Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Even if I throw and throw it away_   
>  _Memories call for you again_   
>  _I try to lock you in this place_   
>  _Where you smile while_   
>  _sitting in front of me_
> 
> _Cause you were my sun, the moon_   
>  _You were my everything_   
>  _All the things in my room_   
>  _Seem to miss you_

On the second day, we decided to go back to the pool and play around a little, we’re here to relax after all. Jinki keeps on singing for me my favorite songs. _Oh, how much I’m going to miss them._ But then he will sing it in a low register which will make me laugh. This old man really knows how to make me smile. And that was one of the things I loved about him.

I was sitting on the side of the pool, only dipping my feet on the water. Jinki was happily swimming around. He really loves to swim but when we were together we barely had time to do this.

A couple of minutes passed, Jinki went to where I am and just stand there in front of me and talked to me about a lot of things, glad that the awkward atmosphere was finally gone. It now feels like how we were before.

Jinki moved closer to me and hold both of my legs. For a moment, I thought he was going to pull me into the pool but then he relaxed himself and just used my legs as a form of support. I don’t mind Jinki caressing my legs, he makes it more comfortable.

“Should we stay another day?” He suddenly asked. “It feels too nice to end this too quickly.” He said while pouting, trying to act cute.

“That would be great. But think about Jjong. It would be too much of a burden for him if we stay another day.” I told him. Two days was enough. Tomorrow afternoon will be coming back to the city and on our separate lives.

“I guess that’s right.” He stopped caressing my feet and climb up on the edge of the pool. When he sat down, he suddenly kissed me on the cheek, “Wait here. I’m just going to talk to Mrs. Han.” He stood up and walked away, trying to locate where Mrs. Han is.

I missed Jinki. I miss the days when loving him was the easiest and most natural thing to do. We’ve been together for so long, had some break ups in between but still managed to find our way back together.

We always thought we’re going to manage to stay and grow old together, typical couple dreams. Typical teenage couple dreams. But I guess growing up makes you also grow apart. We had our own flaws and we tried to live through with that.

Our friends thought we had the most perfect relationship even though we had our own ups and downs. They’ve been there since day one.

So it was chaos when they found out Jinki was seeing a girl and broke up with me.

While I’m in denial and trying to tell them that maybe the girl is pretty and so nice that Jinki actually fell in love with her personality, they ultimately disagree.

“No, Minho! I saw the girl! She has this big and ugly eyes, unlike yours. AND EYEBAGS! Oh my god! And her, uhm, chest? It isn’t even that big. Like, how would Jinki like her? A GIRL?!” Taemin said the day he found out and saw the girl for the first time.

“And she’s not even that nice. Jinki can’t even come when I invite him anymore! He said the girl doesn’t want him to go out, but I have a feeling she just doesn’t want Jinki to associate with us. HIS FRIENDS! I can’t fucking believe it!” Kibum was scandalized with the girl’s first impression.

Jonghyun was the calmest of them all. “Let it go. He’s in the age where he’s curious about stuff. When he realized the truth, he’ll come back to you. He knows you love him like no one else could. But I’m not saying you should wait though. Have your own fun.”

  
  
  


JINKI _DID_ CAME BACK.

A few months after our break up in the restaurant, we met again…

  
  


We just got out of the church after the mass.

We’ve never been in a church together for so long. And find it funny that we agreed to meet here on our first meeting after the break up.

Jinki held my hand the entire time. From the drive on the way here, until the mass ended. He held my hand like nothing happened. Like he didn’t break my heart the last year. Like he thinks he’s single and we’re back together.

It frustrates me that he acts like this. Although, of course, I’m just a weak person, I’m happy about this. But then we need some reality check. I’m not his boyfriend anymore. He’s seeing someone else. A girl. His girl.

I pulled him on the side to confront him.

“Jinki, what the hell is this?” Referring to our hands, I lifted them in front of him, still intertwined together.

“I don’t know.” He said, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

“What do you mean you don’t know? You’ve been acting like nothing happened!”

“I don’t know, Minho. I’m just happy I got to see you again.” He said, almost crying.

“Jinki, you have a fucking girlfriend!” I hissed at him. A part of me feels like he’s just playing with my feelings, because he knows I’ll always be here, waiting for him, I’ll always be here, loving him.

Damn me and my fucking feelings.

“I know. But this is what I want. Us. I want us. I want you. Minho, I love you.” He said with full of sincerity like he’s waiting for this moment to finally say those words. “Whenever I think about how you would live forgetting about me, about us, I just can’t take it. It hurts me whenever I think you’re with another person.”

“But you’re the first one to leave. You’re the one who has someone else. You’re the one who said I should forget you and leave you alone.” I said. Jinki is being ridiculous, as usual. He’s always torn between what is right and what he wants. And this time is not different.

A silent tear fell down on his eyes the moment he speaks, “I know. I’m so confused. I don’t deserve you. I hurt you too much. And I should never came back. But I’m hurting too, Minho. I missed you. I need you. And I know that I love you. You’re the one I love. I just don’t know what to do”

“You’ve always been like this. You’re gonna say you love me, then the next minute you’ll left me hanging. Sometimes I feel like you’re doing these just to get back to me for what I did to you from years ago. This is so tiring already, Jinki.”

“It’s not like that. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have done this.”

“Then go. Leave me alone! Please don’t go back anymore. If you want me to move on, get out of my sight.”

“But M-Minho…”

“Or break up with her… and come back to me.”

“I’ll do that. For you. I’ll do that, Minho.”


	5. Please, Don't Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You can’t, don’t leave like this_   
>  _Please just one more time, hold me in your arms again_   
>  _You can’t, don’t leave like this_   
>  _Please just one more time, hold me in your arms again_   
>  _The next time_   
>  _I close my eyes to meet you_   
>  _Hold me as I stay still in that spot_

You know that famous quote: Shit happens. I guess that’s what really happened. Cause it seems like even the world and the Almighty just wants us to part. Things happened and suddenly we hate each other. Things happened, and suddenly we’ve been living like the other doesn’t exist.

That was how we’ve been living for the past few months.

  
  


Yah! What is this?” I asked.

“A special dinner.” He flashed my favorite smile again.

Jinki had asked Mrs. Han to prepare us a dinner, but he didn’t say it will be this special.

We’re in the garden, just a few feet away from the pool. There’s a small table with our foods and a candlelit that makes it romantic. The setting itself is romantic. We finally see the lights surrounding the pool which illuminates the area. There are rose petals everywhere. The setting would have made it much more romantic if there’s a mellow jazz music playing in the background. But I guess the fact that my heart is beating too loud is enough music to my ears.

“I asked Mrs. Han to set this up.” Jinki bragged, smiling. He held the chair and let me sit. He went to the other side of the table where he’s facing me and sit there.

“You know you don’t have to do this.” I said. I love it, really. But I feel like it would make things harder for the two of us.

“I want to. I want to do it.” He said. “You told me we need to enjoy while we’re here, right?” He began pouring champagne to my glass.

The “special” dinner went well as the night passes. While eating, we talked about a lot of things, like the things we’ve been talking about all day. It’s not boring, it’s actually comforting, how we seem too natural.

Jinki suddenly stood up and went to my side, offered me his hand. “Wanna dance?” He asked.

I arched my eyebrows, like asking what the hell is this. “Sure.” I said, placing my hand above his. We get to the position of the dance, Jinki placed my hands on his neck and his are on my hips, pulling me closer to him.

We started to sway very slowly. See, a romantic music would make this perfect. But we don’t need a music to dance to the rhythm. We sway in a way we only know how, with our feelings.

Everything seemed perfect. We stared at each other for a very long time while dancing. We looked like crazy people who can’t stop smiling. The feeling is so happy, I feel contented. Everything looks so perfect, it fucking hurts.

“Jinki.” I finally said after a few minutes, breaking the comforting silence.

“Mhm?”

**_“What happened to us?”_ **

  
  


That month of June from three years ago went flashing back to me.

When he suddenly said he’s going out in the middle of the night and didn’t tell me where. I tried to wait for him but he never called or even tried to contact me. I was worried sick, but I chose to trust him. 

Until the next day, when he went back. Drunk and with swollen eyes. He was crying all night.

He said his ex contacted him to meet up. He knew something was wrong that’s why he agreed.

“She said her period was delayed for two months now. She said she’s pregnant. She said I’m the father. She said I need to break up with you if I want her to keep the baby.”

And right there and then, my whole world began crashing.

_ Jinki is having a baby. _

  
  


It’s like the world suddenly stopped and I can’t think anymore. All I hear is Jinki sobbing and apologizing repeatedly. 

  
  


_ Jinki is having a baby. _

  
  


That girl’s baby.

  
  


I wanted to scream. I wanted to get out. If it was a dream, I wished somebody wakes me up. 

I knew I should hate Jinki for this. But seeing him sobbing, in pain, I can’t even do it. All I could think about was how much he needs me. 

  
  


Jinki didn’t leave me, nor did I left him when I found out he’s having a baby with someone else. We chose to take it one step at a time, and I told him if they decided to raise the kid separately, I’ll accept it.

I knew it’s so stupid of me but I’m the kind of man that would do whatever it takes to win and get what I want. This time, whether I choose to stay of not, I knew I already lost the game. I knew I’m already the loser. But would I rather be the loser that lost him, or the loser that is hurting but at least I have him? I would choose the latter, every single fucking time.

I would have. Until I saw how hard it really was.

The next few weeks were a nightmare for me. They always meet up and I have no idea. Jinki would arrive late and wouldn’t tell me anything. Sometimes, it takes him until morning the next day before he arrives and it’s killing me.

I can’t argue because I know what I signed up for. And everytime I tried to tell him how much it hurts me, he would tell me to leave, like he doesn’t need me anymore. 

And it took a toll on my system.

When Jinki did not go home for two days, I was worried sick. I wasn’t able to contact him. I tried calling his mom, his work, or even our friends, nobody knew where he was. I even tried reaching out to the girl, but she never responded.

I was so stressed that time that the pain in my chest suddenly became unbearable. When Jonghyun and Kibum arrived at our house, they saw me lying on the floor, unconscious.

They rushed me to the hospital and also tried contacting Jinki but to no avail.

The next day, my doctor said that I need some rest and should stop stressing out. Jonghyun and Kibum suggested to go home to my parents but I said I should go back and wait for Jinki. They said I shouldn’t. That they texted Jinki and told him what happened and he’s still not responding. They said that his mom was able to reach him out and that he’s staying with the girl and his mom already told him about my situation and said that he won’t be back until the next day.

And that’s when I gave up.

  
  
  
  
  


What. Happened. To. Us.

Four words. One question. And we went back to reality.

As soon as Jinki heard that, we halted. Shocked, his hands fell down from my sides. He’s still staring at me. A few minutes ago, his eyes are full of love, but now it became teary. Jinki can’t do anything but sob.

I wanna kiss his tears. I want to throw away all his worries. I want to blame myself. I want to love this man with my whole heart and never ever let him go. Seeing him in this pain hurts me too. I can’t deal with this shit. My heart aches for the man whose happiness is all I wish.

I pulled him to me and hugged him. “I don’t want to see you like this, you know that.” I whispered.

I’m supposed to be the one in pain. I’m supposed to be the one he’s comforting, not the other way around. But seeing him cry like this, it pains me. It hurts in my chest. And I wonder if I ever left him for good, will all his pain go away? Am I his problem?

  
  
  


He tried to wipe away his tears and forced a smile, “I know. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that question.”

“No. I understand. But that shit hurts real good.”

“I’m glad I hurt you then.” I said jokingly.

“Ya, Minho. Just asking, do you want to run away with me?”

Jinki usually utter nonsense and I hope this time is one of those times, “what the fuck are you talking about?”

“You know, like, out of the country, live faraway. Start a new life… with me.”

I pulled away from him, not believing everything he is saying. “Dude, cut the bullshit.”

“I know, it sounded bullshit,” he said defeatingly. “I just thought running away will be an option.”

I came forward and cupped his face between my hands, “Jinki, running away from your responsibilities is never an option. Take a break, sure. But never run away.” I tried to put a sense in him, “...and never with me.”

Another stream of tears fell down from his eyes. I don’t know any more comforting words to tell him. So I kissed him. In his cheeks where the tears fell down and in his eyes, trying to stop him from crying.

This man.  _ My man.  _ He’s in so much pain, that I know. The sole reason why I let him go was because I know I would be a burden, an obstacle in his life. But his pain is also my pain. 

I know that if I never let him go for good, he’ll always put me first. He’ll always make a way for both of us. And that will only put him at a disadvantage. He’ll undergo a never-ending cycle of choosing between his responsibilities and love.

“I’m sure you know I’m getting married two months from now, right?” He said, out of the blue.

“Yup, I’m aware.” I nodded. Jinki wasn’t the one who told me.

It somehow slipped during one of the arguments between my friends and his friends. One of them said, “Minho should stop waiting and ya’ll should stop hating on Jinki! He’s getting married, okay? You can’t do anything about that.”

It created a deafening silence, but I heard it loud and clear.

  
  
  


“And I believe that’s also the reason why we’re here, right?”

He nodded.

“It’s okay. I’ve come to accept that fact weeks ago. But I just thought you never wanted a marriage.”

“I still don’t. It’s a really big responsibility. And it’s scaring the shit out of me.”

“You’ll do well. I believe.”

“No. You don’t understand.”

“Maybe I don’t understand,” I cut him off, ”...but I know you. You’ll do well. You will be a good husband and a great father. Once you see your first born, you’ll forget about me. You will be the happiest. And this? All this bullshit will turn into mist and nonexistent. Believe me.”

“How can you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Comfort me. I know you’re in great pain but you keep on comforting me.”

“It’s the truth. You’ll forget me sooner or later.”

“But I love you so much.”

“You’ll love them more than you ever loved me.”

“I doubt that.”

“No. That’s the truth.”

“I can’t imagine my life without you.”

“You will be able to do well without me, Jinki.”

“But Minho - “

“Just one last favor for me, Jinki.”

“...”

“Can you be happy for me? Can you promise me that you will live your life to the fullest?”

“B-but… h-how can I do that?”

“I don’t think I’ll be fine knowing that the person I love the most is in pain. Until you’re in pain, I don’t think I would be able to give you up that easily. I want you to be happy. I want you to choose them. I want you to make that decision for yourself. And after that, I’ll happily move on with my life as well.”

I tried my very best to not cry in front of him, to reserve the tears until I’m back with my friends. But I can’t deal with this anymore. This hurts so much. I end up crying in front of him.

“Let this be our last goodbye.” I said, more to myself than to him. “Let this be the night we want to forget... and also the night we’ll never forget.”


End file.
